My life is incredibly full right now. I'm 44, navigating the care of aging parents with health challenges, nurturing a young child who needs lots of attention, and dedicating myself to a career that I love, which demands a high degree of skillful leadership.

I’m doing my best to embrace this very FULL season of life but holding so much can make me quick to blame and feel resentment. 

I know I’m not alone in this; we often resort to blame and resentment to discharge our pain and discomfort. Unfortunately, my poor husband, Chihiro, often bears the brunt of this! Thankfully, he is one of the sweetest, kindest, and most compassionate people I know.

But seriously, what is the cost of blame and resentment, and what can we do instead? I’m no stranger to being on the receiving end of blame, and I’m determined to evict blame and resentment from my life.

It’s not easy, but here’s what I’m learning:

Blame provides only temporary relief by directing our pain outward, giving us a false sense of control. This relief is fleeting and leads to a cycle of negativity. When we blame others, we avoid the deeper work of understanding and skillfully managing our emotions. In my spiritual practice, we are taught to first recognize what’s arising internally, name it, and accept it. Once stable, we are invited to look deeply at it to transform it. Trying to skip straight to transformation without really looking deeply is like putting whipped cream on a pile of manure.

Nelson Mandela once wisely said, "Resentment is like drinking poison and then hoping it will kill your enemies." This profound insight highlights the self-destructive nature of holding onto negative emotions. Resentment, like blame, offers a false sense of justice, trapping us in a cycle of negativity and reinforcing our victimhood. Chronic resentment can have severe consequences on our mental and physical health.

Blame is an immediate response to an incident, pointing fingers and assigning responsibility, while resentment is a deeper, longer-lasting feeling of bitterness that can develop when issues remain unresolved or when blame is internalized. Both can be detrimental, but while blame is often about externalizing responsibility, resentment tends to internalize and perpetuate negative feelings.

A crucial step in letting go of blame and resentment is practicing empathy. When I take the time to understand the perspectives and motivations of others, I nurture my capacity to see the humanity in them and all beings. This doesn't mean excusing harmful behavior, but it allows us to approach situations with compassion rather than judgment. I’m not always successful at this especially when I’m under-resourced but I’m committed to growing my empathy muscle. 

Accountability is often confused with blame. I’ve had people engage with me, and I’ve engaged with others, thinking we were practicing accountability when it was actually blame. Accountability involves recognizing mistakes as learning opportunities and fostering a respectful, trust-filled environment. It encourages constructive dialogue to identify and solve root problems. Blame, in contrast, focuses on finding fault, often shaming individuals and creating fear, which inhibits growth and evolution. In organizations, blame can lead to a culture where mistakes are hidden and denied rather than addressed, ultimately causing harm.

Mindfulness is key here because it invites us to be present with our feelings and observe them without judgment. When we tend to our internal life this way, we gain insights into the roots of our experiences and can act with greater wisdom.

By following these steps, you can transform blame and resentment, creating space for healing, growth, and deeper understanding.

Blame and resentment may provide temporary solace, but they ultimately tether us to our pain. Tenderness and resentment cannot coexist. Where there is tenderness, there is gentle understanding and compassion, leaving no room for blame or resentment. Embracing tenderness enables us to break free from cycles of negativity and fosters a healing environment. This month, I invite you to explore how you can release blame and resentment, and instead, nourish a perspective of deep, loving understanding.

PS

If you haven’t seen this great Brené Brown clip on blame yet, I highly encourage you to take 2 minutes to check it out!